Perception is a powerful thing. Simply put, Birdemic is a far worse movie than even Rubber, my benchmark in terrible cinema… the story of a psychic killer tire as I have mentioned in every review is my silver bullet of unwatchable trash. My Achilles heel of movies, my Donkey Kong on the pile of shit if you will. Why do I mention this? Because Birdemic is worse in every single conceivable way.
From the acting, special effects, sound, script etc… Birdemic is worse. I think the only reason I still consider the tire one worse is due to the fact that I came into Birdemic with such low expectations and Rubber was a surprise…. That tagline up top is pure truth…Here Comes The Pain.
Shock AND Terror…..Remember That.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror was directed by James Nguyen, the anti- Uwe Boll, he makes shitty movies but at least admits they are terrible. This is fundamentally an environmental message of global warming and killer birds and apparently took four years to make on a budget of ten thousand dollars. Yes, Rubber had a budget of 500k… Rubber was 50times more bankrolled than Birdemic.
Nguyen even added names to the credits to make the production seem more legitimate. But enough of the backstory, I said there would be pain.
You can see that ten thousand dollar budget at work with the opening credits, following a blue mustang down a Californian coastal highway while terrible droning music plays. You can tell that they couldn’t afford to block anything to get good shots as the mustang is going much slower than the rest of the traffic so it can stay in frame and clear. Next it cuts to a view of literally someone in the backseat of the cramped mustang, peering a camera over the shoulder of the driver to show really nothing due to the angle.
It cuts to the cameraman now sitting in the front seat, yes he switched seats, and showing a view of the boring road. The music also cuts out completely, leaving us listening to the sounds of a hybrid bio-fuel mustang engine for a good ten seconds before it limply starts again. Nguyen takes credit for this, I certainly wouldn’t.
The credits look like something I used to make with Windows Movie Maker back when I had a youtube account to post my own audio commentaries for movies, meaning it was probably made in ten seconds much like my credits used to be. We are now introduced to out main character, Rod, who may be the blandest lead in a movie I have ever seen.
Our Hero…More Bland Than Boiled Chicken And White Rice.
It is here we first notice the odd audio issues this movie has; as Rod walks down the street, you can hear very audibly his shoes, almost a gravely sound almost as if he was walking on wet leaves, despite him walking down a perfectly normal stretch of sidewalk.
As Rod enters a cafe for lunch we are assaulted again by bad audio, as a blond waitress attacks him with a very loud “HI!” that sounds like an audio clip that was edited poorly and blasted at full blast above any other audio. I might have to summarize more or I’ll be here all day if I pick out every single problem.
Rod looks over the menu…well he more stares at the woman across from him at the other table…like a puppy trying to find a toy, his head oddly flops from side to side trying to determine his next move. One awkward fade cut later, the blond lady gets up from her table and exits, Rod not saying a word or beginning to follow. As she leaves though, it seems they only edited in the sound for only one footstep per walk, so a very audible click of heels when there should be two. Nitpicking perhaps, but nothing else in the movie is keeping me interested.
Despite not showing much of any kind of emotion mere seconds earlier, Rod almost Hulk Smashes through the front door and begins running after the girl he had not said as much as a word to. Despite hoping that this train wreck would turn into a horror movie, my hopes are shattered since it turns out Rod and Natalie are old high school classmates. Natalie doesn’t remember him, although I can’t blame her. The two exchange awkward dialogue and then exchange phone numbers as the scene comes to an end.
Not Since Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca Have We Seen A Couple That Exuded Such Passion.
The next day, Rod watches the morning news. The news network, which uses the letters MNN, which I assume stands for Muppets News Network, is showing a clip of polar bears. Sea ice is melting and polar bears are dying I suppose. I am personally more interested at the possible scene of Fozzy Bear.
After a lonnnng scene of Rod heading to work with completely inane music. Complete with him filling up on gas, waiting in traffic and more waiting in traffic, I am reminded that if I wanted to see this crap I could tape a camcorder to my dashboard on my morning work commute.
Rod is a software salesman… I assume because we are never really told. I find this hilarious because I have seen pinecones with more charisma and salesmanship, In fact I think I bought my last cell phone and warranty from a pinecone. He completes a sale worth one million dollars, yes seriously, after asking the same question and rephrasing it slightly different. His friend comes into the room after his emotionless celebration and they share boring dialogue. Boring and awkward seem to be the two keywords to this movie.
We then join Natalie at work, at a one hour photo studio. Yes, a professional model uses a one hour photo studio, much like I use Netflix to watch all these movies, you didnt think I paid for all these did you? One call from her agent later, she will be the Victoria’s Secret cover model…seriously.
So after one becoming a Victoria’s Secret fucking model, and the idiot getting a million dollar sale with no skill, they agree to meet for dinner. I don’t care about these two, there is absolutely zero chemistry and I hope they get eaten by birds. After another global warming talk, we get another Muppet News Network update about wildfires and a grand prix with hybrid cars. If the newscaster was Gonzo, I would totally DVR every episode.
Rod buys a solar panel. I would go into more detail, but I just save you five minutes of boring scene with one sentence that could have been shown to the audience on an index card with the same effect. I get it, this is a movie about the environment but Rod goes from not caring to solar panels this and hybrid cars that it just seems like a message and not a proper story.
The Terrible Two meet and have a dinner at a nice Chinese buffet over some very bland small talk.I only note this because there is no emotion from either character, I could care less about these two. Only notable part in this long scene is where Rod gets suddenly jealous over Natalie’s cat, assuming it is her boyfriend. Yes, hes that dumb.
Found This In My Birdemic Image Searches…Far More Interesting Than The Movie.
We have a scene with Natalie and her mom, a very nice lady who possesses the raw acting talent of someone in a car insurance commercial. They do a backstory dump and I shall move on.We cut to the boardroom of Rod’s software company where its announced his company has been bought out for a billion dollars. They all get stock, for some reason, which leads to a ton of uninspired clapping and Rod’s friend chair humping him…I tried to find a picture that would properly encapsulate this statement but Google has failed me yet again…Long story short, both Natalie and Rod are now wealthy.
I thought this movie was supposed to be about killer birds. The group goes to see Inconvinent Truth, which by 2010 wasn’t playing in any theatre, unless the theater bought a dvd. Rod then goes to a boardroom and tries to sell the idea of solar panels, he was a software salesman less than ten minutes ago. The whole deal would cost ten million dollars.
This Movie Makes Me Want To Facepalm To The 5TH Dimension.
This movie starts with Rod, an unassuming software salesman and in a half hour he’s Al Gore. Character changes are loose and fast in Birdemic world.
The duo meet Natalie’s mom for more acting worthy of a AARP Benefits Video, then the date concludes with an empty diner, complete with a singer singing a song about hanging out with his family while Rod and Natalie awkwardly dance. I feel a music video coming on.Rod and Natalie get a hotel room and we fade to black…Movie over?
Makes One Wish Could Go Back To The Awkward Dating Stuff Doesn’t It?
Like a jackhammer to the gut, we are assaulted by the audio rape of a thousand birds squawking at once. If you notice, the birds explode when they hit the ground, into a ball of fire with terribly animated smoke. I almost regret wishing for the birds. The effects on this movie are simply horrendous, cheap and do not fill me with dread. Birds can also cut phone lines apparently since they can’t call out on the hotel phone.
The birds can also hover in place for no particular reason, flapping their pixelated wings with great fervor and trying greatly to keep themselves aloft, keeping in mind that it is completely impossible.
They throw the mattress up against the window, which means Rod’s disgusting genetic material is now messing up the drapes. The two leave the relative safety of their mattress fort to run to a random hotel room, which they psychically knew had people in it. Seriously, I thought it was Rod’s friend, but its a different actor, just as terrible but different.
The other group is not important to name, so Not Rod and Not Natalie will do. Not Rod hands out the most dangerous weapon of all, coat hangers.
“I’ve got this! It’s really powerful, especially against living things!” -Barry Burton, Resident Evil
The group leaves the hotel and holds off the flock of birds with terrible coat hanger swinging. The couple’s shitty van is actually a mobile armory, Not Rod now has an automatic rifle and Rod is packing a pistol…So they decided to leave their loaded guns in the parking lot in their unlocked van?
Stallone. Schwarzenegger. Rod
The effects even on these guns are bad. The terrible flashes of orange from the gun and overly loud sound effects are really grating. Team Rod comes upon a pair of cars full of dead people, except for two extremely annoying children, a boy in the trunk of a car and a girl underneath a SUV. Everytime Rod or Not Rod shoots a bird, it cuts to a single isolated bird in complete silence and a wet thunk sound effect before we are blasted by all the bird cries again.
Needing some supplies, the group stops at a gas station, Not Rod standing at the front door with his machine gun. Its abandoned and most of the shelves are completely bare…meaning that this community went batshit insane in the span of approximately two hours and began looting. Not Rod interrupts the group to say The Eagles are coming…I don’t know, I’ve always been more of a Journey fan myself.
Picnic Time…seriously, they plop down at the beach and eat. Uncovered…The monster of the movie is birds, birds are known for their ability to fly…Like in the air. Finding some form of shelter may have been smart. Rod and Natalie come across a doctor, who states that these birds are inflicted with the Bird Flu Virus. Didn’t know it made you try and kill people and explode, but obviously I didn’t go to med school.
Doctor Scientist basically says that it’s global warming causing this and that global warming isn’t causing it..Make up your mind! What do you want to bet he is really a proctologist. He says he isn’t worried about the birds, but the human species he is worried about. Saying that we should be more like astronauts trying to take care of our spaceship. I’m starting to think he earned his Doctorate in Leisure Studies at Arizona State.
We learn more about Not Rod, how he was a Marine and said he got tired of all the killing and wants to give peace a chance.Tell that to the hundreds of dead birds you have slaughtered.Natalie and Not go off in the expansive open field to go to the bathroom. Not Natalie gets killed while taken a shit…hell of a way to go, I must say.Of course, Not Rod is angry.
EAGLES!
The group comes upon a double decker bus being attacked by floating birds. Not Rod is insistent on showing these birds who the boss is. Assorted extras are inside the bus and are completely incredulous about leaving, despite shouting and pounding on the windows moments earlier.Oh,and eagles can spit acid.
I May Have Broken My Glasses From Facepalming At This Scene.
Yes. Acid. If this eagles can hover in mid air like a hummingbird, cut a lady down with a single horizontal strike and explode, who am I to say they can’t spit acid like a dinosaur in Jurassic Park? The remaining crew go to a gas station where gas is $100 a gallon, I don’t know why Rod freaks out, its pretty much there now even without birds attacking.
Shopkeeper states the phone lines are out, but swipes his debit card for gas purchase.Maybe he just didn’t want to let Rod touch his phone. Earlier, at the last supply stop, we saw Rod grabbed a case of water, now less than an hour realtime later they have to get more, what the fuck are they doing with it, laundry?
The kids load up on candy, of course stopping at the blurred candy aisle because they couldn’t afford any logos. Further down the road, they need more water. For Fucking Serious….They come upon a river and saunter down to get some.
We now meet a tree hugger. Who lives in a terrible looking cgi treehouse for no real reason and says his main mission in life is to protect nature and the forest. Thank you Smokey The Bear.
Woody Harrelson, No!
And of course, tree hugger goes on a lonnnng speech about global warming and how he feels safer in trees.
The audio is cutting in and out really bad now, with several spots of dead silence. I wish the whole movie would be like that. Tree hugger then states he hears a mountain lion, despite me only hearing feint, and I mean really feint growling, but hes the weirdo, I mean expert.
Minutes pass as the group drives aimlessly,coming upon Natalie and Rod’s friends, now dead from face scratches. If only there was a way to protect yourself when aerial opponents are coming upon your position….Oh, I know, close your fucking windows!
I Kind Of Envy Them Right Now…At Least They Don’t Have To Watch More.
I never have felt any connection to well, anyone in this movie, so seeing Natalie cry about her bestest friend dying doesn’t fill me with sadness, it makes me feel happy to know there is only ten more minutes left to go. They run out of gas next to a beach and find a fishing pole and a stove in the back of the van…Seriously, Not Rod kept at least three guns, a fishing rod and a stove in his beat up van that he liked to leave unlocked.
I really hope you didn’t intend to hear any dialogue because the ocean completely drowns everything out. Odd, you would imagine there would be killer birds at the beach, you would obviously be mistaken. Rod catches a fish as the others get seaweed and put it into a tupperware container they pulled out of their asses because it wasnt in the van. Exciting watching the kids refuse the seaweed and fish because they want a Happy Meal, The birds attack yet again and everyone piles into the van. The van begins to shake as crew jostle it, to imply that the birds that are nowhere near it are strong enough to move a van.
One bird flies from the left and hits the windshield and kills itself. I point this out because literally TEN SECONDS later, the birds turn around and fly away like nothing happened. Poor Steve the bird, He didn’t have to die. The movie ends with Team Rod looking at terrible CGI fly, or hover, because it does not look like they are going anywhere, off into the sunset.
In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.
I wish I could sit here and say that after watching Birdemic four times straight, as is the norm when I do reviews, that I uncovered some nugget of happiness; a kernel of interest besides rather having bamboo reeds shoved under my fingernails and up my dick…well, I can’t. Complete incompetence on every technical and cinematic level. Overflowing with bad CGI, terrible acting and a plot that makes no sense, Birdemic: Shock and Terror is the worst movie I have ever and I mean Everrrrrr seen. Why isn’t it on top of the list? It’s too mainstream now….Oh, and they are making a sequel.
I Have A Quota…I Invented The Quota, But It’s Still A Quota. Here’s Ted Knight.
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